Best Fantasy Football Punishments

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Honolulu transplant from Nashville, Tennessee. Teaching high school English during the day, coaching Track & Field in the afternoon, then drinking enough to do it all over again.

Too competitive for an amateur, too amateur to be competitive.

The best thing about this time of year is playoff football. The exciting hopes and dreams of NFL fans hoping for just one more week. It’s exhilarating and the anticipation can kill you in the week leading up to the game. It also signals the end of fantasy football, and the next best thing isn’t winning it all, but watching your friend suffer the consequences of coming in last place by enduring some of the best fantasy football punishments. You get served crow for not listening to Crow Worthy fantasy advice.

Recently, the new trend has been a toilet bowl style of playoffs for the bottom half of the league. Fantasy managers go head to head, with the loser progressing to the next round, until there is the ultimate loser. This new king of losing of course pays the price of their ineptitude in whatever way the league sees fit. 

The loser of each round moves on to the Toilet Bowl Finalsfrom Sleeper App

Here are some of the best consequences, ranked in order of fun, worthiness of consequence, and overall gamesmanship:

5. Buying and Wearing Rival Gear

These are low-level flyers. Some guy is a Cowboys fan and comes in last place so he needs to buy and wear Eagles gear for a day. Lame and cliche but low stakes if that’s your thing. We grab a picture and have a beer but it’s hardly a real punishment. The better step up is taking the boys out to a nice steak dinner or the strip club. Flavor the punishment up how you like, but I’ll take mine medium rare (the only good option really). 

It’s pretty common and can also be pretty boring. The problem really comes through when it isn’t just jerseys and hats, heading into more “permanent” territory. I’m all for high stakes, but you aren’t about to put ink on me commemorating a bad season. Think about this poor guy in 2018. Yikes.

4. Disgusting or Painful Acts

This is the good stuff. Living in Honolulu, the equivalent would be jumping into the Ala Wai canal after coming in last place. This is hilarious and I will ridicule you forever, as if the newly mutated third arm won’t be enough of a reminder. Other options include eating gross foods, drinking nasty combinations of alcohol, jumping naked into an ice cold lake, and putting IcyHot on your junk.

This isn’t as commonplace as Number 3 on our list, but it still has its merits. For one thing, this is pure slapstick comedy on demand. Some video evidence and a cool story for years down the road is never a bad idea. It can also be stifled by an inability to get creative, leaving the league members with more of an annoyed taste in their mouth instead of the highly anticipated event it should be. 

3. Embarrassing Costumes / Acts in Public

This is a really big category that needs some division, but let’s just assume I’m talking about the good stuff. For starters, don’t try to overdo it or think too hard. “Funny” comes from something that’s entertaining for all involved, but more so for the people watching. Drift too far one direction and people call the police because your embarrassing stunt involved fake blood and traumatizing random passersby. Don’t be that guy. Have fun without ruining somebody else’s day. 

Instead, go with some of the classics. Gorilla costumes and duct tape go a long way.

I’m not personally a big fan of signage next to a busy road, but in a small town or heavily trafficked area it gets the job done. It’s another common practice that I don’t think is spicy enough for being a bad manager, so look to some Lucha Libre inspired fun instead and get that out-of-shape dad into some tights.

Jack Black in Nacho Libre

2. Waffle House Challenge

This seems to be the popular choice of 2020 and I’m here for it. The idea is that you spend 24 hours in a Waffle House with various rules attached. One Twitter user said that one hour is deducted for every waffle eaten. Another user reported that one member of the league must be with him at all times. This falls under the “painful” category more than the “embarrassing” one, but it’s still a work of genius that is all over Twitter.

The guy below might have made it even better by raising some money with his friends to make the tip for the wait staff worth it. Good guy move + vomit = confusingly amazing time.

Others chose to enjoy their time in prison another way, as our new favorite man below brought his Xbox to the Waffle House. Not by bread alone, my guy. 

1. Taking the ACT or SAT

This is one that was popular in 2018-2019. Did you care at all about the ACT in high school? Did you dread it? Do you remember the painstakingly long math section that asked more questions about fencing around a house than I will ever need to worry about in urban Honolulu? Even if you did the challenge and didn’t try, there could be further consequences for low scores and you could go the whole way, taking away the phone, making them work silently, putting them in a small desk, or even taking the real damn thing if you truly want your friend to feel the consequences of their actions. The possibilities are endless!

It’s the painstaking hours of the Waffle House challenge with none of the fun. I might not be there to enjoy it, but I’ll drop you off and pick you up for your big day at school.

*BONUS – Draft Day Pain

This might be my favorite but doesn’t really fall under any category because it’s so broad. Take one of the above mentioned punishments and do it during your fantasy draft. My group of friends have done the draft in person over the years, and even during a COVID draft we partied over Zoom. I think the best part of the punishments should be that we all can share in the laughter of another person’s misery. Nothing can bring people closer together than that. Thank you, Fantasy Football loser – never change.

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Episode 130